Scrisoare de la Seneca



Căile cele mai bătute şi mai îmbulzite sunt şi cele mai înşelătoare.

Nimic nu este mai important decât să nu ne ținem, asemenea dobitoacelor, de turma celor care pășesc în fața noastră, înaintând, astfel, în direcția în care merg toți și nu în aceea în care ar trebui mers. Totuși, nimic nu ne aduce neajunsuri mai mari decât faptul că ținem seama de ce spune lumea, considerând că este bun ceea ce este îndeobște aprobat, și că trăim – cu multe modele în față – urmând nu judecata, ci principiul imitării. Rezultatul este că oamenii se îngrămădesc unii peste alţii, îmbulzindu-se.

Şi, la fel cum se întâmplă într-o mulţime care se înghesuie – şi nu cade nimeni fără să tragă după el un altul, iar cei care merg în faţă sunt pricina pieirii celor care îi urmează – întocmai poţi vedea întâmplându-se în viaţa oricui: niciun om nu rătăceşte drumul doar în paguba sa, ci este deopotrivă pricina rătăcirii altuia şi cel care o provoacă. Este primejdios, într-adevăr, să ne legăm de cei care merg înaintea noastră şi, cum fiecare preferă să se încreadă în alţii decât să judece singur, lipseşte mereu judecata asupra vieţii, înlocuită fiind de o încredere oarbă în alţii, iar o greşeală care ne-a fost transmisă din om în om ne abate de la drumul nostru şi ne grăbeşte căderea. Exemplul altora ne duce la pierzanie; numai dacă ne separăm de turmă ne vom salva.

How to write the perfect resume for the perfect job


In my 20’s, when applying for a job, I tried to impress as much as I could with my resume, as form and content. In order to make sure I make an excellent impression, I added an extra 10-15% to my real skills. Which meant pretending to be a better French speaker than I actually was or have abilities that were not really my strong points or exaggerating a little bit the responsibilities at former working places.

Back then, I thought I was doing so in order to grab the employer’s attention and get that job, but now I know I was not considering myself good enough in order not to alter the resume, even slightly. But this way I was not feeling so good inside after applying for a job or having an interview, as I was playing a role rather than being myself.

At a certain moment, many years later, I decided that I was good enough just the way I was. So, when applying for a collaboration, I consciously decided to not exaggerate any of my abilities and to put more authenticity when speaking. Although I thought I would get a YES, I received a NO. Small Cristina felt it like a rejection and was hurt. The mature Cristina stayed with the discomfort and breathed, paying attention to the feelings inside, a mixture of disappointment and victory for not pretending anymore to be someone else. But it is not easy to stay with the feelings.

Masks are heavy to carry and it feels lighter without them.

Letter of envy


“I envy you, Cristina.” This is what I have been told some years ago, while I was taking professional photos at an event and was really enjoying being there and doing it. My heart warmed and I felt compassion for the person in front of me. “You have no idea how challenging my life is, almost each day. I doubt you can envy it. You see now only a small part of my life.” was the thought that crossed my mind, left unspoken.

I feel envy too. Once I actually wrote a letter of envy to a friend and also got a quite nice and wise response, although I feared rejection.

But let’s start with the letter.

“I realized that each time I visited you, in the last years, in the background I had a feeling of envy. Because you had/were more than I had/was. In the beginning, the discomfort of feeling this emotion was avoided by keeping myself away from you. This happened although I knew that the experiences that nourish me the most in life are related to human connection: talking, sharing and listening.

Despite all that, the wound embittered when feeling envy was too painful to bear.

Far away from our city, I thought more about this issue and understood that no matter how spiritual an evolved I might consider myself, I still have work to do at “me versus the others” part. It is about defining my personal value by comparing myself to the people around me.

The envy I felt was actually hiding a more painful feeling, of failure. Although I have not been told explicitly, I was raised in order to be better than everyone else around me. That meant being and having more in all aspects of life. With this software running in my head, each meeting with you was sending me the message: “You see? You are still not good enough. You failed.” And I felt like shit.

Of course, you have no guilt regarding this situation. You put a mirror in front of myself in which I did not want to look, because that hurt too much. Now it still hurts, but I do look in the mirror.

I am not sure how, but I know it is not healthy to remain stuck in this feeling of failure and that I better uninstall this software of evaluating myself exclusively by comparison with the others.

How vulnerable and exposed I feel, now when I am writing to you. But something is telling me that this is a good step, like an acceptance of what is and getting out of denial, no matter how you might think of my gesture. Especially that some days ago I was reading an article about courage, so I felt encouraged to do/say what I feared as long as this had meaning and importance for me.

This is with me.


Telling my therapist about this, I got the answer: “And what is there, behind the envy? Maybe admiration and I want this too?” Oh, yes!

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