ArchiveJanuary 2022

An apartment as a gift

A

My first year as a student was a mess. An intellectually capable girl (meaning just big grades), with low self-esteem, with no idea how to set boundaries, who felt fat although she was not, alone in a new city.

For a short while I stayed in student’s campus, in a 20 sqm room with other four girls. We were quite different and I did not find any way of connecting to them, feeling more and more lonely. I left the campus after a while and rented a room in an old house owned by an old lady. She was living there alone.

I remember that it was winter and when I was waking up in the morning, it was quite cold in the room. The room was not so big: it had a bed, a sink inside and very little free space. The walls had ancient painting on them. I never felt good living there and used the room mostly for sleeping, being left almost all day and spending my time in university library studying. One day I saw mouse shit on the white sheets that were covering the old creaking bed.

Coming back to that moment, I realize that I had low standards when making choices, not only related to the place I was living in. I did not even dare to dream about renting a nice, pleasant and cozy room somewhere, where I actually would felt good living inside.

So I am gonna dream now.

I am giving Cristina, as a student, an apartment as a gift.

The apartment has two rooms. When Cristina enters there, she feels the warmth.

As a student, she learns, but not use all of her time for university stuff.

Sometimes, she listens music or reads a book sitting on the couch, in the living room. She allows herself to fall asleep in the middle of the day on the couch.

Cristina lives there without the feeling that something is missing in her life. She feels adequate with or without a boyfriend.

She has a cat called Miska and they feel good living together.

Cristina cooks sometimes and enjoys doing it, having patience with herself when the meal proves to be not so good for eating. She knows that she is 100% worthy no matter how she cooks and that she has nothing to prove to no one.

In the apartment smells sometimes of lavender or oranges or vanilla. She lights a candle, from time to time.

In the bedroom is a double bed, where Cristina sleeps and sometimes masturbates or has sex. She enjoys the physical pleasure given by touching and being touched by somebody else and puts aside the feelings of shame or guilt related to sex.

She watches movies, makes sport outside, does therapy. Cristina knows that feelings like sadness, pain, hope, joy, confidence, anger, fear, pleasure are ok to be experienced and that she is 100% worthy no matter how she feels.

I am offering Cristina an apartment as gift and fill her life with all those experiences, as she had almost none of them. Enjoy the gift, my dear!

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